Return to a Sexy Island by Neil Humphreys

Author:Neil Humphreys [Humphreys, Neil]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9789814398855
Publisher: Marshall Cavendish
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Thirteen

THE voice on the other end of the telephone line provided the clearest indication yet of Singapore’s newfound sexiness. It wasn’t one of those phone services. No matter how desperate, I have always refrained from calling sex chat lines. Not because I am a moral, upstanding citizen who refuses to wallow in a filthy pit of parasitic perverts but because I am a tight-arse. Have you seen how much those phone calls cost per minute? Half an hour is more expensive than a night in Geylang. No, I was aroused by three otherwise nondescript words that highlighted how bright the little red dot now shines.

“Hello, Lucasfilm Singapore.”

It doesn’t take much to get me going.

But the idea of dialling the local telephone number of a rented Changi office and speaking to a Singaporean auntie who works for someone, who works for someone, who works for someone who once bumped into the bearded guy who made Star Wars in his office toilet is about as sexy as it gets. Incidentally, I referred to the telephone receptionist as a Singaporean auntie for no other reason than she sounded like one: polite, friendly and jovial but always to the point. In my head, I pictured Mon Mothma in Return of the Jedi (which I appreciate is a reference that could lose many readers and scare one or two others).

“Er, hello, yes, have I really gotten through to Lucasfilm?” I replied to Mon Mothma, surprised that the most perfunctory of online searches had come up trumps first time.

“Yes, this is Lucasfilm Singapore. How can I help?”

How could she help? How about by sending an email to George Lucas expressing my deepest gratitude for fundamentally shaping my childhood? Or by simply telling me where I can get one of those stormtrooper costumes tailored so I can spend weekends tapping on taxi drivers’ windows at Changi Airport and ordering them to move along.

“Er, yes, right, well, I’m looking for the Star Wars Sandcrawler,” I finally sputtered.

“I’m sorry. What are you looking for?”

I pictured a red light marked “nerd alert” suddenly blinking on her office phone as her pointed finger hovered over the receiver.

“No, no, it’s not what you think,” I insisted, desperately distancing myself from the grown men who collect Star Wars toys, watch the films endlessly, attend conventions and live with their mothers.

I no longer live with my mother.

“I’m interested in seeing the Sandcrawler Building, the new offices for Lucasfilm Singapore that will be shaped like the sandcrawler from Star Wars. I’m standing here right now at one-north, you know, Fusionopolis, trying to find it.”

“Oh, I see,” a relieved Mon Mothma sighed, realising I wasn’t standing outside her Changi office in a hooded robe. “You’re in Buona Vista.”

“That’s right. I’m in the middle of Fusionopolis and there’s construction at two building sites.”

“Yes, one of those is ours.”

I was crestfallen. I had read reports that the future permanent home of Lucasfilm Animation Singapore, to be modelled on the Jawa sandcrawler from the first Star Wars movie, was scheduled to open its doors to the world’s most talented artists in 2012.

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